Tuesday, April 28, 2009

We're at it again...


My pop, my bro and I are going on a bicycle trip! down the west coast! for the month of may! You should probably act like you care, and follow us on our journey. We're bloggin' it, y'all. 

That's "From Eh to Si", Eh being a word Canadians say, and Si spanish for Yes, aka From Canada to Mexico. My dad likes puns a lot. We were so excited he managed to think of another one.  Wish me luck, and pray for me. Pray for me hard. If the biking doesn't kill me, hanging out with 2 insane boys for an entire month, 24 hours a day will.

Love you. 

Monday, April 6, 2009


(noun): a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.
2. a condition of instability or danger
3.a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
synonyms- see EMERGENCY.

So Friday night I was driving from Salt Lake back to my apartment in Provo. Now, when I left SLC I already had to pee. But it wasn't so bad, so I figured I'd go when I got home. Well, right as I took my exit the desire to GO increased about a thousand percent, and I realized I needed to get home fast. So I started booking it down center street. Luckily, it was in the middle of the night so no cars were around, but every single useless red light felt like an eternity in my state and by the time I got to University Ave and Center I was holding myself and jumping up and down like a 4 year old. Gall I hope no one I'm attracted to reads this. Finally I turned left onto 100 east. Now I just had center to 700 north to go. 7 blocks to home. In my head I kept rehearsing what the game plan was. 2 blocks in I thought okay...park the car and run inside, have my house keys ready. As another few blocks zipped by, while I went far too fast and ran far too many stop signs, I thought dude, I'm not going to make it if I park the car. I just have to leave it running outside my door and sprint inside. Then, around 500 north, a mere two blocks from home, I suddenly fully understood, I am not going to make it. Have you ever had that feeling. Truly, not just being dramatic, known that you were not going to make it? You learn something about yourself. The bladder is something I've always felt I've been the ruler of. Psh, I mock, you are a mere organ and I dominate you. Yet now, I was completley at it's mercy and it could do with me what it wished. Then and there I had to decide something. Pee all over my car, in my new jeans, and clean it all up at 3:00 A.M., or get out and release it elsewhere. I found myself at a crisis I never wish upon my fiercest of enimies. I pulled over, ripped open the car door, pulled my pants down, sat bare butt on the curb and realeased in the gutter. I'm a barbarian, I know. What is this, Europe? But it couldn't be helped. All I can say to defend myself is if you ever reach that point, you will never doubt/be disgusted by my actions. There is having to go, there is having to go really bad, there is even I'm going to explode if I don't go, and then there is my state: Sphincter Malfunction, you have no choice in the matter.
There's my story for you. Like I said, unless you experience it, don't judge. I need to go study anatomy now. It was lovely spilling (hehe) my deepest darkest secret with you. Now go tell all your friends.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Die wedding goers, die!

I serve cake at weddings for my job. My work is the epitome of Provo. I used to love it, but in time it has convinced me that everyone is very unoriginal. I started making a list in my mind tonight of all the things that annoy me, which 99% of all people I help manage to do in the thirty seconds I am in their life.

-Try to serve themselves and make a royal mess. Why do you think I’m behind the table holding servers grandma?

-“I’ll just have a slice of everything.” haha. good one.

-“None of these cakes have calories, right?”

-“I’ll have some of that one!”—as they point to the 3 tier wedding cake across the room.

-“Oh I shouldn’t! I’m watching my weight!” and then getting like 4 pieces.

-Put their plate right in my face or really far away so I have to bend in an incredibly awkward way in order to serve them.

- Asking for two pieces, sometimes three. And force me to fit them on the same tiny plate.

-Steal the garnishes off the cake. You are over 8 years old. It’s not cute or funny when you pop a cherry in your mouth and expect me to laugh and forgive you.

-Fail to get a plate, and make me walk all the back to the beginning of the table, when I am helping 5 or 10 other people, and get it for them.

-Taking 100 million years to pick a cake and holding up the line.

-Making me say the name of EVERY SINGLE CAKE, sometimes twice.

-Asking me what’s the best one. They never take my advice anyway, dummies.

- Asking me which one is flour free, doesn’t have peanuts, the least calories, etc.

-Wanting it to-go; making me run upstiars to get a to-go box.

And most horrying and horrible:

Flirting with me.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

I'm a dummie.

I am so stinking sick of learning lessons. I keep making so many STUPID idiotic mistakes, specifically dealing with money, and for the first little bit I was content with saying "It's ok Kris, it's part of growing up, you'll never do this again." However, I failed to fully realize just how MANY things you can screw up on, that have rather horrible consequences. Case and point: I just checked my online bank account and it seems as though I have spent money on my debit card that I, in fact, did not have in my bank account. Instead it was sitting in a check in my purse that I haven't deposited for, uh, 3 weeks now. Thus, what was once a $1 itunes song is now a $40 fee. I am sick to my stomach. If someone else were responsible I believe I'd kill them, sadly, suicide is not an option (I'm sort of happy with other parts of my life).
Let's talk about other dumb things I've done. I procrastinated going to open Anatomy lab for a quiz on Tuesday, and...oh! whoops! Monday was a holiday and it was closed. This morning, I did not even stir until 10:15; work was at 8:00. I got booted in my own parking lot, because I thought it would be ok to park with my dad's car I was borrowing for one hour while I got ready for work. Not so. $50 later, once again I was chalking it all up to another "lesson." I caused my dad's company $400 bucks once because I authorized a purchase I was not authorized to authorize. They even had a voice recording of me, which they played to my father when he animately demanded that I had not done such a thing. Even I was flabbergasted when I heard my own voice say, "Yeah, $400? That's fine." One time I knocked on a boy's door and pied him in the face, cause I thought it would be funny. Strangely and obviously, it was not. I am up, right now, and it is 1:45 a.m. I have to get up at 7:00.

It used to be funny, now it's downright ridiculous. Perhaps I'll start thinking?