Monday, April 6, 2009

Crisis

(noun): a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, esp. for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.
2. a condition of instability or danger
3.a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
synonyms- see EMERGENCY.


So Friday night I was driving from Salt Lake back to my apartment in Provo. Now, when I left SLC I already had to pee. But it wasn't so bad, so I figured I'd go when I got home. Well, right as I took my exit the desire to GO increased about a thousand percent, and I realized I needed to get home fast. So I started booking it down center street. Luckily, it was in the middle of the night so no cars were around, but every single useless red light felt like an eternity in my state and by the time I got to University Ave and Center I was holding myself and jumping up and down like a 4 year old. Gall I hope no one I'm attracted to reads this. Finally I turned left onto 100 east. Now I just had center to 700 north to go. 7 blocks to home. In my head I kept rehearsing what the game plan was. 2 blocks in I thought okay...park the car and run inside, have my house keys ready. As another few blocks zipped by, while I went far too fast and ran far too many stop signs, I thought dude, I'm not going to make it if I park the car. I just have to leave it running outside my door and sprint inside. Then, around 500 north, a mere two blocks from home, I suddenly fully understood, I am not going to make it. Have you ever had that feeling. Truly, not just being dramatic, known that you were not going to make it? You learn something about yourself. The bladder is something I've always felt I've been the ruler of. Psh, I mock, you are a mere organ and I dominate you. Yet now, I was completley at it's mercy and it could do with me what it wished. Then and there I had to decide something. Pee all over my car, in my new jeans, and clean it all up at 3:00 A.M., or get out and release it elsewhere. I found myself at a crisis I never wish upon my fiercest of enimies. I pulled over, ripped open the car door, pulled my pants down, sat bare butt on the curb and realeased in the gutter. I'm a barbarian, I know. What is this, Europe? But it couldn't be helped. All I can say to defend myself is if you ever reach that point, you will never doubt/be disgusted by my actions. There is having to go, there is having to go really bad, there is even I'm going to explode if I don't go, and then there is my state: Sphincter Malfunction, you have no choice in the matter.
There's my story for you. Like I said, unless you experience it, don't judge. I need to go study anatomy now. It was lovely spilling (hehe) my deepest darkest secret with you. Now go tell all your friends.

4 comments:

Michelle said...

OH MY GOSH! this is the funniest thing in the whole world! Kristy you are hilarious! i really really hope no one saw you.... or i really hope that they did and then blogged about the random peeing girl at 3 am because that would be WAY funnier

Rachel said...

kristi,
this makes ME want to pee my pants.

itsmekellie said...

Oh sick, you monster. I'm never talking to someone as gross as you again. who knows what else you've peed on.

Rachel said...

oh my.. i peed my pants while reading this. you are hilarious!